What colour are you?

I am grey, the grey of a winter's day when it looks like it is going to rain, but it never does. The grey that hangs around and seems like it is going to last forever. I am lost in the greyness, the indecisiveness. Smothered by my own inability to just get up and do things, the things that I know I need to do. Eventually the clouds will break, they have to, they always do. Then I will be the blue of the spring sky, the endless possibilities, the infinite, boundless joy of new beginnings. The sweet smell of blossoms on the breeze, the cry of babies in all of nature's forms. The anticipation of what's yet to come, the tingle down the spine, the excitement of knowing that there are good things on their way.

What flavour are you?

I am chocolate, rich and delightful, yet a fleeting joy, because I soon go back to tasting like a lemon, sour and impatient. I SO want to be more like the chocolate more often!

A Tarot Reading

WOW - I just got this tarot reading for me from a friend by email...Whenever I am feeling lost or overwhelmed I turn to my Tarot cards for help. I hope you don't mind that I did the following reading for you. Someone recently used this spread to do a reading for me and I absolutely love it. I feel that it reinforces that every part of you, every aspect of life can be precious. It is called The Treasure Chest spread.Diamonds (where you shine) 10 Pentacles:- You excel at providing your family with a stable foundation. You are dependable and solid, and not matter what happens, your family know that they can rely on you.This is semi-true, I sometimes get a bit ditsy about the little things, but when something important comes up my family (and my friends) all know that they can count on me no matter what.Pearls (what you know) 7 Swords:- You know how to be alone. You are not afraid of being by yourself. You can depend on yourself, and are resourceful. I am not afraid of being alone, I actually like to be alone at times. Alone time is time for nurturing the soul, loving yourself and growing yourself. I love to be alone with nature.Gold Coins (what you have) Knight of Wands:- You posses creativity and confidence, you are a doer, and have the ability to make even the most boring activity fun and enjoyable.True again, I think the source of my confidence in creativity is that there are no limits or boundaries, noone telling you what is right or wrong in your chosen art. I don't have such confidence in other areas of my life, however, and wish that I did, I have little confidence in expressing the depth of my true feelings, I have little confidence in my patience. I am still growing.Emeralds (who you know) Knight of Cups:- Someone who is emotional, sensitive and giving. Someone who will care for you when you need it, or when you neglect to care for yourself. This would have to be my fiance, although he doesn't understand the depths of my depression, he accepts it and accepts me just as I am. He is always there to look after the kids (including changing nappies), to take them off my hands if necessary, to let me sleep in (in turns of course) and makes my coffee. He tells me constantly how he loves me, how good a mother I am (no matter how much I doubt) and how important I am to my other family and friends.Platinum Chains (what holds you back) Page of Swords:- You can't cut the bonds of self doubt. You must use your head to move forward and to realise where the negativity in your life comes from, then you must use your sword and sever that cord.Self doubt is my biggest obstacle. It always has been and its going to be a long hard road to get passed it I'm sure. I grew up being constantly told that I was not good enough, that my choices were not valid and that I should do as my mother liked - even if it were not relevant or interesting to me.Decision making is my second barrier, from childhood to early adulthood everything was decided for me, everything was as mother wanted or she would make you miserable for disobeying her. I am now very indecisive, sometimes I can make a decision but then find it hard to commit to the decision.The third barrier I have to overcome is goal setting. I can set long term goals, I know what I want from life. I have great difficulty breaking those goals down into manageable chinks so that I can actually achieve them.Don't do everything for your children, give them choices... Guide but do not direct.Sapphires (Where you could shine) Judgement:- it is time to cast off old doubts and be reborn. Rise like the Phoenix from the ashes. Use your experiences to make you stronger, and you will shine like the sun.I have realised recently that I have to rid myself of these old beliefs, they are only holding me back.But how?Quartz Crystals (what you are learning) Empress:- You are learning how to be the Empress; kind, loving, maternal, giving with abundance, but don't forget to give to yourself too. You are re-learning how to be a wonderful mother and loving partner. You are re-learning how to love yourself.I am indeed relearning to love myself. I think I lost myself somewhere over the passed few years. At the start of this relationship I gave up a lot of things, my lifestyle (outdoor activities, camping, rock sports, etc) some friends and my new found spirituality (which I have begun to rediscover). Some of these things I realise that I would've lost over time anyway, some things I wish I still had.I've forgotten how to do things for myself, that I CAN go out and do things for myself, like go rock climbing at an indoor centre for example, I know David wouldn't object, but still somehow I never get around to it...I know I have failings as a mother, my patience has been so limited of late, now that I am not working however, and have taken time out for myself just to be, I am spending time alone with each of my children to rebuild with them.I know I have failings as a partner. I often expect David to know what is wrong, what has upset me, and get angry when he doesn't (I know he shouldn't HAVE to know - I know I'm being unreasonable, but I cannot help it). I know I am not as attentive to David as I should be, as I WANT to be.I have trapped myself in this horrible pattern and I know now is the time to break free.But how?Rubies (who you will soon know) 7 Wands:- You will find someone who is on your side, who will help you fight your battles and give you the courage to fight too.My knight in shining armour? I don't know about this one, but I will keep it in mind and let you know...Unpolished Diamonds (hidden lights) 10 Swords:- You have the ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You reach out and embrace the dawn, rather than bemoaning your fate and staying lost in the dark. You help others to see the light too. You protect your loved ones from the troubles of the world, and you take away their pain, and shield them as best you can. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, problem is I can help others to see the light and find their way there, but somehow I get lost along the way, they continue and I get stuck.Oh, this tangled web...

I wonder...

I often think about friendships and whether or not they are real, this has been on my mind often lately, but Neilly's recent entry made me think about it hard enough to write about it.I have difficulty trusting people, ever since I learned at 15 that I couldn't trust my mother. After all, if you cannot trust your own mother, who can you trust?I find myself talking to a *friend* and at the same time running 'round my mind are thoughts of "what are you really thinking?" and "do you really care or are you just bored and I'll fill your time?" or "do you really like me or do you find my troubles amusing?"I hate those thoughts.Yet they haunt me, constantly.They make me feel like I am betraying my *friend* by not trusting.Trust is hard to learn. It's much easier to make friends on the net than in *real* life. When you can just throw yourself at them with all your troubles and worries and fears intact, and if they accept you, you know those friends will always be there. If they don't, you never had to put in a great effort and its easier to walk away.I wish I could be a better *friend*. Those who are my *friends* say that they are because I am trustworthy, a good listener, someone who is always available.I wish I could be more reliable, I often find myself distancing myself from people by doing silly things, such as not responding to emails for too long and not returning phone calls until much too late.I am so thankful for the few friends I have who have known me "warts and all" and who have been patient enough to put up with all my faults; my special thanks to Neilly and Traceyleigh who in recent times have been my shoulders to cry on, my support, my very good friends.I'm trying...

Motivation...

What do you do for motivation?When you are procrastinating and there is something that you know you really should eb doing?Not something stupid like doing the dishes or putting things away.Something really important.But you have to get out of your comfort zone to do it.And it's scary.So you keep putting it off...

Guardian Angels

Do you believe in guardian angels and if so, what do you see them as physically and speculatively?I believe in guardians, but angels? Hmmm, I don't know.I liked the concept from the movie "City of Angels" that angels are *beings* of an eternal kind; all knowing and yet feeling nothing until they find love at which point they can choose to become human.I think many people take comfort from the thought that when a loved one dies they *become* an angel.I don't believe in angels in a biblical sense, the white-winged, floaty halo type angels.I do believe in guardians however.I perceive guardians as close relatives who have passed before us; who's lives have taken the next step. Those who have journeyed onto the next plane and who return to our current plane to guide us when we require it.I don't think guardians are constant, I believe they are always available but not always present. I believe you must always ask for help to receive it.I *see* guardians as spirits, sometimes they may choose to be seen by you, often times not.I believe your instinct is formed not only by what you know to be right and wrong and your past experiences but is also influenced by your guardian/s and their knowledge of right and wrong and past experiences. You know - when you get a gut feeling and can't imagine why as you've never been in that situation before? Guardian looking over you right there!

Happiness?

"Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort."-Franklin D. RooseveltCreativity brings happiness through release of stress. Putting your whole being into molding a form from clay, feeling your base connection to the earth and creation. Covering your hands with the love of the mother, the purity of raw earth and bringing it to life as the Creator caused existence, so can you.Achievement brings happiness through recognition. Your personal recognition of the skills you possess, your ability to succeed. The recognition of your friends, family and associates. The praise gained, the warm glow of self-pride and growing self-confidence."Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable."-Leo C. RostenHow can an idle mind bring about a happy person? An inactive mind brings no inspiration, no hope, no potential for growth. No future in sight."Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected."-George WashingtonI have learned: if you want to be truly happy live within a moral lifestyle. I believe karma exists. If you are good, you will receive good in return. All that you put in to life you will receive in return, it will not return in the same format, the energy will travel its path and return to you."Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times."-AnonEverything in life is a choice. You can choose your mood just as you can choose the colour and the outfit that you are wearing. Every choice requires effort, why should happiness be any different? Strive for happiness, at every action consider whether the action will bring you happiness and in return happiness will seek you out.

Music...

What music most inspires you and why? I love music. The most moving is that tribal type of music created by friends gathered around a bonfire, one starts with drums, the others join, in voice or with other instruments. There is no plan to the music, it is straight from the heart. The most inspiring music is the music of nature, rain fall, thunder rolling, water cascading down a hillside. The birds which wake you at dawn break when you are camping and sing you back into lullaby land as dusk settles into the darkness of night. The sounds you hear throughout the night and wonder at their origin. The music of children's laughter and the pain you hear in their tears. This is the most beautiful music. Do you play an instrument?At the moment I don't. This is one of the things I miss most of my childhood. I learned the recorder in second grade, as (I think) does every Australian child at that age. I however, loved it so much that I learned to play every type of recorder from the piccola to the base. I played in an orchestra and in a big band. I played for myself, I played for my creator, I played for others. I loved to play. I learned to play classical guitar, piano and keyboard, I began to learn percussion. Then my childhood was taken from me. I will open these doors again, soon I don't doubt. I want to take singing lessons. I am a terrible singer, but I love singing and have been told anyone can do it... we'll see!

Abortion...

12 months ago a friend of mine had major surgery for cervical cancer (she is now 21.5).This surgery and the ensuing treatment meant that she was unable to have any more children in the near future.*M* was suffering an OCD and to counter the depression she was developing caused by this disorder her hormone levels were tested and she was given injections to increase her hormone levels to a normal level. She was not told that these injections would decrease the effectiveness of her contraception (pill).12 weeks ago M fell pregnant, as you can probably understand completely unplanned, unexpected and although not unwanted, not at a good time.On Monday morning on her doctors advice, M was booked in to a women's clinic to have the pregnancy terminated. To not have a termination could cost her life, due to there being no treatment available if the cancer should re-occur whilst she was pregnant.Put quiet simply, the nurse (?sister, medical person? whatever??) screwed up - BIG TIME. An ultrasound was done and the baby could not be located (was later found to be an ectopic pregnancy). The person conducting the procedure said it didn't matter - she would just perform the procedure anyway!!!!!! So she commenced to vacuum away.When the procedure was finished, M was screaming in pain, the nurse said she thought she was screaming in emotional pain for the loss of the baby and left her alone. Meanwhile, M was suffering from blood loss and pain so bad it knocked her out.THREE HOURS later the ambulance was called, the clinic had the hide to ask that they take M out the back entrance - fortunately the ambulance offers refused (I say fortunately because others might be more aware of the risks.)M was rushed into emergency - the part of emergency where people are revived, etc - this was SERIOUS blood loss.M was in and out of surgery all Monday afternoon and night, xrays, internal and external ultrasounds, experts brought in from Westmead, Sydney and as far as Newcastle.M came home yesterday morning, she has her doctor coming for house calls every evening for the next week. She has to go back into hospital next Monday and again the week after. The second time for surgery again to make sure that there really is nothing further wrong.M and her husband already had to wait until at least next year to have a second child.Now they have to wait until at least two more years, to ensure that all is healed properly, the cancer is totally in remission (and a reoccurrence is not caused by this major trauma) and to give a better chance that she will be able to carry a baby to term.-x-x-x-I personally know that I could never go ahead with an abortion and just accept that it had to happen.However, I can understand that M really had no choice but to have this termination. I am having a really hard time understanding however that she had to have this procedure done and so much has gone wrong. I know everything happens for a reason...

Friendship?

Why is it that genuine friends are so hard to find?I once had a best friend, we were friends since the second grade. We did everything together, shared classes, shared lunches, spent weekends together, shared secrets, clothes, stories, everything we did, everything we had; we shared.We made each other gifts, pictures, craft items, precious pieces of nature found. We made certificates which pronounced that we would be best friends forever more. We pledged to be each others maid of honour, guardian to each others children... Everything to each other, whatever the other needed, we would always be there.After seventh grade my family had to move, Dad had a transfer with work.We plotted, a 12 year old and an eleven year old, how we could ask her parents to let me live with them, how we could run away together if they wouldn't, how we could ask our parents to let her come too.All in vain.We moved, thousands of kilometres away, from Townsville (North Queensland) to Western Sydney (every one knows where Sydney is right?!Until then, I had never imagined my life without Len by my side; I cried... all the way to Sydney...We wrote letters to each other, often and regularly, it started of every week, then every two weeks, once a month, whenever we got the chance...Many things happened that we never had the chance to share; many kisses, many friends, many boyfriends, many changes, many secrets left untold.Too much distance for a couple of kids, however we still believed that we would be friends forever, no matter what.As we grew up and moved out of home we started to call each other monthly as well as write, she moved again, passing by Sydney to Melbourne. She stopped over in Sydney with her family, but I couldn't visit, my family were away on holidays and I wasn't allowed in the house whilst mother was away (don't ask!)Years passed, phone calls and letters continued as we could fit them in to our busy schedules. We had a connection it seemed, I could tell if her letters were happy or sad at a touch. I would call her at an unusual time to find that was the time she needed me most, like when her boyfriend raped her. Like the time she was in hospital near death from a rare virus that took time to identify.More time passed, more memories were left unshared, more emotional distance growing between us.Until her boyfriend moved to Sydney for work, and she came to visit him.And I visited her with my son (who was 18 months old at the time) and asked her to be his guardian and I would arrange his naming for the end of her stay so she wouldn't have to make an extra trip.She agreed to be Liam's guardian. Just as we had always planned.She had to go to Papua New Guinea to visit her family (her Dad got a transfer for work too).She never came to Liam's naming. I never saw her again.I rang her - she came back from PNG with the flu.She didn't ring to say sorry I can't come.I wrote her one last letter, told her how hurt I was that all we'd shared as children and as we were growing up now appeared to be irrelevant.I asked her that if our friendship ever meant as much to her as it still did to me that she write me back and if not then she shouldn't bother.Any relationship takes two.I guess it wasn't meant to be after all...I still think of Lenice as the best friend I ever had.She will always be in my heart, I will love her forever.I will not put the stress on myself of trying to maintain a friendship that is not really there anymore.I miss her...

A. D. V. A. N. C. E.

ad-vance* To cause to move forward* To aid the growth or progress of* To raise in rank* To cause to occur soonerSo there's the meaning of the word, lets look at it more closely...- - - A - - -ACTIONNothing is achieved without actionCommit to consistent action until your goals are reached and your dreams realised.The materials of action are variable, but the use we make of them should be constant. - EpictetusMake every action count, question whether each action you take is moving you closer to your goal, if not you may find that the action you are taking should really be someone else's responsibility.If you can't give 100% don't give, take time for yourself and come back to the activity later when you are at your best.- - - D - - -DREAMWhatever the mind can perceive can be achieved.Your dreams are your reason for living."If we don't live our dreams, what's the point of living?" - Jessie MartinBe a dreamer and believe in your dreams.- - - V - - -VALUEWhat value do you place on yourself?Be the person you aspire to be.Find a way to bring a positive experience to every person you meet."Nurture your mind with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes." - Benjamin Disraeli- - - A - - -ATTITUDEIt's not your aptitude but your attitude which determines your altitude.Expect and believe that good will happen."You're never fully dressed without a smile." - Annie- - - N - - -NEVER QUITStretch yourself, have the courage to try a little harder, and grow from the experience.You are the most important person in your business."He who has burnt his mouth, blows his soup" - German proverb- - - C - - -CONSISTENCY"The secret of success is consistency to purpose." - Benjamin DisraeliColonel Sanders (of KFC fame) had 1007 NO's before he found someone was prepared to give his business idea a chance.Be consistently active, honest, reliable, professional, responsible, dependable and genuinely interested in your clients and colleagues.- - - E - - -ENERGYDisplay high energy, show your emotion and excitement, express belief in your dream, in your goals and in your ability.Include others in your journey, transfer your energy and vision to others and include them in your excitement."Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." - Ralph Waldo Emerson