I wonder...

I often think about friendships and whether or not they are real, this has been on my mind often lately, but Neilly's recent entry made me think about it hard enough to write about it.I have difficulty trusting people, ever since I learned at 15 that I couldn't trust my mother. After all, if you cannot trust your own mother, who can you trust?I find myself talking to a *friend* and at the same time running 'round my mind are thoughts of "what are you really thinking?" and "do you really care or are you just bored and I'll fill your time?" or "do you really like me or do you find my troubles amusing?"I hate those thoughts.Yet they haunt me, constantly.They make me feel like I am betraying my *friend* by not trusting.Trust is hard to learn. It's much easier to make friends on the net than in *real* life. When you can just throw yourself at them with all your troubles and worries and fears intact, and if they accept you, you know those friends will always be there. If they don't, you never had to put in a great effort and its easier to walk away.I wish I could be a better *friend*. Those who are my *friends* say that they are because I am trustworthy, a good listener, someone who is always available.I wish I could be more reliable, I often find myself distancing myself from people by doing silly things, such as not responding to emails for too long and not returning phone calls until much too late.I am so thankful for the few friends I have who have known me "warts and all" and who have been patient enough to put up with all my faults; my special thanks to Neilly and Traceyleigh who in recent times have been my shoulders to cry on, my support, my very good friends.I'm trying...