He has taken what he wanted

You gave him a piece of your spirit when you allowed him to be intimate with you, that is what hurts the most, not that there might not be a long term relationship.He made promises, plans for the future, you allowed him your ultimate trust and he abused it.He takes what he wants from you, and then the relationship dynamic changes.You have been so strong in only wanting the best, only wanting what is absolutely right for you, don't fall into his trap.Don't allow him to keep you trapped in regret and pity.Don't allow him to lower your standards by such a great level; you wouldn't accept substance use from anyone else, why should he be different?Is anyone else THAT important to you that you lower YOURSELF to allow yourself to be involved with them?You are loved, you are worthy of much better treatment than you have experienced thus far.The wait is worth it; you will find true love...

Friends...

Who is a best friend?I haven't had one since high school, and now I often wonder if those I thought were friends ever really were at all.I have few *real* friends, people I can tell anything and know that it is in confidence without saying so - you know, like at school "don't tell anyone that I said this..."I often wonder who I can trust, girls are SO bitchy and gossipy just in general, I so often find myself wondering if you are really my friend or if you just want something to talk to your other *friends* about.I was talking to T about this just yesterday, one of the girls we work with - well, her boyfriend broke up with her to go out with a guy - they are only 17 so she was pretty devastated and all. How would she feel if she knew her *BEST* friend (who also works with us) told everyone at work all about it!?Then there are those who say they tell you everything, yet you know they don't. Is that the worst kind of lie? The "I know I can trust you with every detail of my life, and I say that I tell you everything yet you know that I don't? lie?What a horrible feelingIhungerforrealfemalefriendships.....

*Happy* Birthday

Today was Liam and David's birthday.Should've been a good day, of course Liam is only 4 so he doesn't notice I guess.How would you feel if your sister was in town from interstate and couldn't even bring herself to come in to the house and say happy birthday to you? Let alone go out for dinner as planned earlier? NO, why the hell would you want to sort out your differences with your brother?! Let alone the brother who has cared for your daughter like his own for many years... Why would you even want to give him a chance to explain himself? Why would you want to bother with asking HIM his side of the story instead of believing a one sided affair?Your sister who lives close by has to be out of town, but at least she calls.And if at the same time your brother and sister in law who had also been invited to dinner couldn't even be bothered to ring and say "oh sorry we can't make it", let alone call to say happy birthday in the first place?And if, on the very same birthday, your niece, who you've loved like a daughter doesn't come out to dinner with you either?I'd say fairly disappointed.SHIT - I WISH my family was like that!!! *dripping sarcasm*Birthday's suck like that - once they're ruined they stay in your mind as a ruined birthday forever, you can't take them back and start over.Happy Birthday...

Thank you

I got this email from a friend todayWith everything that is happening in America at the moment, I am feeling very shaken up and scared. I have been thinking a lot and I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you all how much I love you and how important you all are to me. You have all done so much for me and I am so grateful for your friendships.I love you all,BelindaIt is a pity that it takes such tragedy for us to become more open in expressing our love for one another outside of close one on one relationships, but I am thankful for the love of my friend.I am thankful that should a world war occur as a result of these incidents that my fiance would not be called up as he is *too old*, that my sons (mine and his) are too young to be called up (at ages 4 and 14) and that my brother would also be spared as he is medically unfit at the moment (awaiting knee surgery).I am thankful that my children are too young to understand this terrible trauma, that I do not have to try to explain to them what causes people to commit such heinous acts against their fellow men, that they do not have to feel the pain that is reverberating around the world.I am thankful for my family, though we may be separated, we are all safe and well.David, Liam, Rhiannan, Kellie, Peter and Sarah, my family, my love, my life...

Respect...Honesty

My self-respect begets respect from othersI walk the walk, talk the talkI attract similar people who are self-respectfulPeople appreciate me for what I amI am assertive with humilityI ooze self-respectIs it possible to respect someone who has no respect for themselves?Is it possible for someone who has no respect for themselves to respect someone else?Honesty is staying aware to the truth of the matter. To admit, accept, and respond to the truth of what is. Self-honesty is about being honest with yourself - being objective and rational.What is the point of hiding from the truth? Avoiding hurt in the short term and letting the real pain keep building up for as long as you can keep pushing it aside?

Just a Piece of Paper?

How do you explain to someone that getting married is not *just a piece of paper*?!I used to think like that too, but I'd much prefer to be married than to be just living my life in what feels like a relationship of convenience.I've said many times that it is important to me that we get married, I don't want anything grand, just a wedding in the celebrant's garden followed by dinner with friends would be nice, but somehow we can never seem to be able to *afford* it. It is never enough of a priority to be able to actually DO it.All around me people are getting married, five and a half years ago we got engaged with intentions of being married within 6 months, five years later its still not planned, not even so much as a firm date set.Is it really just a piece of paper? I think that that piece of paper is really so much more, it represents a state of mind, a lifelong (or longer) commitment; not just a *this is good for the moment* commitment...How do you explain that to a fella!?

Fault...Blame... Who's is it?!

Is it my fault if someone cannot make life choices and stick to them?Is it my fault if someone cannot make arrangements and stick to them? Knowing that to change them could change the whole situation?Is it my fault if someone cannot align her priorities with her life choices?If someone chooses to have children, don't they choose at that very moment to put those children first!? Before anyone else, until those children need them no more? Is it my fault if someone chooses not to put her child first? Her child who I have loved and cared for for many years?Is it my fault?Am I to blame?Are you?Maybe you're angry at the wrong people...

The responsibility is yours

In order to solve any problem, you must first accept responsibility for it. As long as you consider it to be someone else's fault, for example, that you're not being paid what you're worth in your job, then you'll continue not to be paid what you're worth.Perhaps someone else is to blame, but that's totally beside the point. Avoiding the problem or reassuring yourself that someone else is to blame will only make it worse. The eventual pain of avoiding the problem will likely be worse than the problem itself. So go ahead and commit yourself to doing something about it. If it's your problem, it's your responsibility.Once you take responsibility you also take control. Once you take responsibility, you stop wasting time on meaningless complaints and excuses. Do you truly want the problem to be solved? Then step up and take responsibility for it.Which would you rather do -- suffer, and blame someone else for it, or turn your problems into opportunities? The choice is yours. The responsibility is yours. Accept it and move positively ahead.--Ralph Marston Great DayI choose to take responsibility for my life, no one can make my decisions for me, no one can change my fate if I choose not to let them.I decide my destiny, shape my own path.What I cannot alter I will not worry over; anymore.

Movie Soundtrack

Ok, so you're famous, and they're making a movie of your life (aren't you special?!). On top of this, you get to pick the songs that go on your soundtrack! What songs would you pick during the following scenes...The Opening Credits* Fantasia - BachThe entrance scene for your character* Most People I Know - Billy Thorpe and the AztecsThe happy scenes* Me and My Friends - Red Hot Chili Peppers* Get Real - Frente and Ween* Saturday Night - Ned's Atomic DustbinThe romantic scenes* Where Do I Begin - Shirley Bassey* It Must Be Love - Madness* But I do Love You - Lee-Anne RimesThe sad/angsty scenes* Why Can't I Be You - The Cure* Please Do Not Go - Violent Femmes* I Was the One - Hoodoo GurusThe angry scenes* Fight Fire with Fire - Metallica* Have They Forgotten - The Living End* You Got Nothing I Want - Cold ChiselThe road trip scenes* Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes* Can I Sit Next to You Girl - The Candy Harlots* Sky Pilot - Eric Burdon and The AnimalsYour funeral scene* Forever - Siousxie and the BansheesThe end credits* Midnight Passage – Kiva

Speak to Me...

The man whispered, "Goddess, speak to me."And a meadowlark sang.But the man did not hear.So the man yelled, "Goddess, speak to me!"And the thunder rolled across the sky.But the man did not listen.The man looked around and said, "Goddess let me see you."And a star shined brightly.But the man did not notice.And the man shouted, "Goddess show me a miracle!"And a life was born.But the man did not know.So the man cried out in despair, "Touch me Goddess, and let me know you are here! Whereupon the Goddess reached down and touched the man.But the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on.Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.- Author unknown

My Dwelling

We live in an average house in the suburbs. Actually it has a couple of special features, we have a neat bathroom. It is two way, with a separate vanity and toilet, it has a spa bath this is all countered by the fact that it has no air vent, no ventilation fans. In winter you have to have showers with the window open so you can breath when you get out. Therefore as soon as you open the shower screen the cold winter air hits your bare skin... instant goose bumps. In summer that's nice, the kiss of a summer's breeze, in winter it's more like being slapped with an icicle.Our kitchen is great, its really big - about four metres by three metres - is that big? I think its big, bigger than any other kitchen I've ever had anyway. It is open plan, the kitchen, dinning and lounge room interconnect. One of the hotplates doesn't work anymore, that is okay because about a month ago the whole stove and oven didn't work, there was a short circuit. I wish we didn't have to have a fridge because everything in fridges are supposed to be dead, in ours they aren't always, things sometimes grow in there... I wish tupperware wasn't so expensive, I SO want one of those pantries where all the tupperware *modular mates* are lined up neatly and everything has its place, you know, like in the catalogue? In our cupboards there are packets everywhere, sometimes they are folded and reclosed so the contents stay fresh, others we throw out the contents some months later, for fear that something may be living in that packet.Last year I won a dishwasher, we thought that was really cool, we wouldn't have to do dishes anymore, now however, we have to rinse and stack the dishes. As a group we are lazy, we mean well and start of great, stacking our dishes and utensils as we use them. Then we begin to stack them in the sink instead, the pots still on the stove top. Until there are no dishes or utensils left to use, and we grudgingly stack the dishwasher again.Our dining table has recently been brought back into vogue, we use it quiet often now. It used to be that we'd all have dinner together once every couple of months or so. The table was just so useful for retaining paperwork, junk mail and various other bits and pieces that we didn't know what to do with or where they should REALLY go. We even have placemats now!The laundry is clean at the moment, I just fixed it up a couple of days ago, maybe it will stay that way for a couple of weeks...Our lounge room is also where my computer sits, where Kellie and I communicate with the world via the www each day. The desk is often cluttered, usually with things that should mostly be just thrown in the bin in the first place. But that would take an effort, to walk over to the bin to be rid of the scrap paper. There is lots of junk mail and the like here now, instead of on the dining room table. Every now and then I clear away all the junk, but then the desk looks kind of bare.We have a sofa lounge, that is cool. Some mornings I flip it out and watch cartoons with the kids, and eat Fruit Loops with no milk (less messy that way). Some nights when there is a good movie on we flip it out so David and I can both lie down and settle in, rather than one of us lying across the other on the lounge, much more roomy. Some nights Kellie and Liam watch videos late into the night until they fall asleep on the sofa lounge (okay, they've only done it once, but they plan to do it again.I wish we could have a new tv, the one we have likes to control its own volume. It's always when something really important happens in a movie (that is not on a video) and the characters are whispering that the volume suddenly drops. Causing you to miss the punch line of the whole movie. Or when you are watching the late night movie, and its an action flick and the kids have JUST gone to bed, that the volume suddenly blasts to the higher levels. The kids are not asleep anymore, and you miss the best part of that movie too!There is a fishtank on top of the entertainment unit, we have three black widows, four white clouds and two glass catfish. The plants in the fishtank (there are two) are the only plants that I have ever in my life managed to maintain in a healthy state. The algae also seems to grow well.The kids' money boxes are up there too, they don't often get very weighty, if we have to be poor financially, well sorry, but the kids do too!There are photos on the wall, Liam and Rhiannan, David's (late) mother, Peter and Sarah, David and myself with Liam. I wish we had more photos of other family members. I love photos, the older the better, whether I know the subjects or not, I love that glance back in history.We moved the stereo into our bedroom, the alarm clock radio stopped working one day, we play music in the lounge room now from the computer's cd player.Our bedroom, HUH, don't even go there...Kellie usually keeps her door closed, she always says its too messy, but I don't think its ever as bad as ours!The kids' bedroom (Liam and Rhiannan's) is like a war zone. David quiet often refuses to go on there (I think he's afraid of getting lost). It is quiet a hopeless situation, within one hour of the kids hitting the completely spotless room it is right back to jungle status. Our kids have too many toys. I have to get rid of some of them, but how do you decide which ones to get rid of first?

Home

If you find that you have chosenthe wrong path in your life;Turn and follow your heart-stringsto be led back home;to the place where you're loved best.Know that youwill always be lovedUnconditionallyEternallyForeverand Alwaysfor you are my child...copyright 1999 A.Delaforce

Expression...

Why is it that the things we most want to say are often the hardest to express?There is someone in my life who is very dear to my heart. I love her as my own child, though she is not. Why is it hard to simply say "I love you"? Is it fear of rejection? Embarrassment?I know I will always come in second best, no matter how close that second may be. There's nothing that will ever change that fact, but it still hurts.Why is it that the emotions we want to show are often hidden far more easily than those we'd rather not experience?It is so easy to show our anger, why don't we fear rejection as a result of our anger rather than as a result of our love?

What colour are you?

I am grey, the grey of a winter's day when it looks like it is going to rain, but it never does. The grey that hangs around and seems like it is going to last forever. I am lost in the greyness, the indecisiveness. Smothered by my own inability to just get up and do things, the things that I know I need to do. Eventually the clouds will break, they have to, they always do. Then I will be the blue of the spring sky, the endless possibilities, the infinite, boundless joy of new beginnings. The sweet smell of blossoms on the breeze, the cry of babies in all of nature's forms. The anticipation of what's yet to come, the tingle down the spine, the excitement of knowing that there are good things on their way.

What flavour are you?

I am chocolate, rich and delightful, yet a fleeting joy, because I soon go back to tasting like a lemon, sour and impatient. I SO want to be more like the chocolate more often!

A Tarot Reading

WOW - I just got this tarot reading for me from a friend by email...Whenever I am feeling lost or overwhelmed I turn to my Tarot cards for help. I hope you don't mind that I did the following reading for you. Someone recently used this spread to do a reading for me and I absolutely love it. I feel that it reinforces that every part of you, every aspect of life can be precious. It is called The Treasure Chest spread.Diamonds (where you shine) 10 Pentacles:- You excel at providing your family with a stable foundation. You are dependable and solid, and not matter what happens, your family know that they can rely on you.This is semi-true, I sometimes get a bit ditsy about the little things, but when something important comes up my family (and my friends) all know that they can count on me no matter what.Pearls (what you know) 7 Swords:- You know how to be alone. You are not afraid of being by yourself. You can depend on yourself, and are resourceful. I am not afraid of being alone, I actually like to be alone at times. Alone time is time for nurturing the soul, loving yourself and growing yourself. I love to be alone with nature.Gold Coins (what you have) Knight of Wands:- You posses creativity and confidence, you are a doer, and have the ability to make even the most boring activity fun and enjoyable.True again, I think the source of my confidence in creativity is that there are no limits or boundaries, noone telling you what is right or wrong in your chosen art. I don't have such confidence in other areas of my life, however, and wish that I did, I have little confidence in expressing the depth of my true feelings, I have little confidence in my patience. I am still growing.Emeralds (who you know) Knight of Cups:- Someone who is emotional, sensitive and giving. Someone who will care for you when you need it, or when you neglect to care for yourself. This would have to be my fiance, although he doesn't understand the depths of my depression, he accepts it and accepts me just as I am. He is always there to look after the kids (including changing nappies), to take them off my hands if necessary, to let me sleep in (in turns of course) and makes my coffee. He tells me constantly how he loves me, how good a mother I am (no matter how much I doubt) and how important I am to my other family and friends.Platinum Chains (what holds you back) Page of Swords:- You can't cut the bonds of self doubt. You must use your head to move forward and to realise where the negativity in your life comes from, then you must use your sword and sever that cord.Self doubt is my biggest obstacle. It always has been and its going to be a long hard road to get passed it I'm sure. I grew up being constantly told that I was not good enough, that my choices were not valid and that I should do as my mother liked - even if it were not relevant or interesting to me.Decision making is my second barrier, from childhood to early adulthood everything was decided for me, everything was as mother wanted or she would make you miserable for disobeying her. I am now very indecisive, sometimes I can make a decision but then find it hard to commit to the decision.The third barrier I have to overcome is goal setting. I can set long term goals, I know what I want from life. I have great difficulty breaking those goals down into manageable chinks so that I can actually achieve them.Don't do everything for your children, give them choices... Guide but do not direct.Sapphires (Where you could shine) Judgement:- it is time to cast off old doubts and be reborn. Rise like the Phoenix from the ashes. Use your experiences to make you stronger, and you will shine like the sun.I have realised recently that I have to rid myself of these old beliefs, they are only holding me back.But how?Quartz Crystals (what you are learning) Empress:- You are learning how to be the Empress; kind, loving, maternal, giving with abundance, but don't forget to give to yourself too. You are re-learning how to be a wonderful mother and loving partner. You are re-learning how to love yourself.I am indeed relearning to love myself. I think I lost myself somewhere over the passed few years. At the start of this relationship I gave up a lot of things, my lifestyle (outdoor activities, camping, rock sports, etc) some friends and my new found spirituality (which I have begun to rediscover). Some of these things I realise that I would've lost over time anyway, some things I wish I still had.I've forgotten how to do things for myself, that I CAN go out and do things for myself, like go rock climbing at an indoor centre for example, I know David wouldn't object, but still somehow I never get around to it...I know I have failings as a mother, my patience has been so limited of late, now that I am not working however, and have taken time out for myself just to be, I am spending time alone with each of my children to rebuild with them.I know I have failings as a partner. I often expect David to know what is wrong, what has upset me, and get angry when he doesn't (I know he shouldn't HAVE to know - I know I'm being unreasonable, but I cannot help it). I know I am not as attentive to David as I should be, as I WANT to be.I have trapped myself in this horrible pattern and I know now is the time to break free.But how?Rubies (who you will soon know) 7 Wands:- You will find someone who is on your side, who will help you fight your battles and give you the courage to fight too.My knight in shining armour? I don't know about this one, but I will keep it in mind and let you know...Unpolished Diamonds (hidden lights) 10 Swords:- You have the ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You reach out and embrace the dawn, rather than bemoaning your fate and staying lost in the dark. You help others to see the light too. You protect your loved ones from the troubles of the world, and you take away their pain, and shield them as best you can. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, problem is I can help others to see the light and find their way there, but somehow I get lost along the way, they continue and I get stuck.Oh, this tangled web...

I wonder...

I often think about friendships and whether or not they are real, this has been on my mind often lately, but Neilly's recent entry made me think about it hard enough to write about it.I have difficulty trusting people, ever since I learned at 15 that I couldn't trust my mother. After all, if you cannot trust your own mother, who can you trust?I find myself talking to a *friend* and at the same time running 'round my mind are thoughts of "what are you really thinking?" and "do you really care or are you just bored and I'll fill your time?" or "do you really like me or do you find my troubles amusing?"I hate those thoughts.Yet they haunt me, constantly.They make me feel like I am betraying my *friend* by not trusting.Trust is hard to learn. It's much easier to make friends on the net than in *real* life. When you can just throw yourself at them with all your troubles and worries and fears intact, and if they accept you, you know those friends will always be there. If they don't, you never had to put in a great effort and its easier to walk away.I wish I could be a better *friend*. Those who are my *friends* say that they are because I am trustworthy, a good listener, someone who is always available.I wish I could be more reliable, I often find myself distancing myself from people by doing silly things, such as not responding to emails for too long and not returning phone calls until much too late.I am so thankful for the few friends I have who have known me "warts and all" and who have been patient enough to put up with all my faults; my special thanks to Neilly and Traceyleigh who in recent times have been my shoulders to cry on, my support, my very good friends.I'm trying...

Motivation...

What do you do for motivation?When you are procrastinating and there is something that you know you really should eb doing?Not something stupid like doing the dishes or putting things away.Something really important.But you have to get out of your comfort zone to do it.And it's scary.So you keep putting it off...

Guardian Angels

Do you believe in guardian angels and if so, what do you see them as physically and speculatively?I believe in guardians, but angels? Hmmm, I don't know.I liked the concept from the movie "City of Angels" that angels are *beings* of an eternal kind; all knowing and yet feeling nothing until they find love at which point they can choose to become human.I think many people take comfort from the thought that when a loved one dies they *become* an angel.I don't believe in angels in a biblical sense, the white-winged, floaty halo type angels.I do believe in guardians however.I perceive guardians as close relatives who have passed before us; who's lives have taken the next step. Those who have journeyed onto the next plane and who return to our current plane to guide us when we require it.I don't think guardians are constant, I believe they are always available but not always present. I believe you must always ask for help to receive it.I *see* guardians as spirits, sometimes they may choose to be seen by you, often times not.I believe your instinct is formed not only by what you know to be right and wrong and your past experiences but is also influenced by your guardian/s and their knowledge of right and wrong and past experiences. You know - when you get a gut feeling and can't imagine why as you've never been in that situation before? Guardian looking over you right there!

Happiness?

"Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort."-Franklin D. RooseveltCreativity brings happiness through release of stress. Putting your whole being into molding a form from clay, feeling your base connection to the earth and creation. Covering your hands with the love of the mother, the purity of raw earth and bringing it to life as the Creator caused existence, so can you.Achievement brings happiness through recognition. Your personal recognition of the skills you possess, your ability to succeed. The recognition of your friends, family and associates. The praise gained, the warm glow of self-pride and growing self-confidence."Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable."-Leo C. RostenHow can an idle mind bring about a happy person? An inactive mind brings no inspiration, no hope, no potential for growth. No future in sight."Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected."-George WashingtonI have learned: if you want to be truly happy live within a moral lifestyle. I believe karma exists. If you are good, you will receive good in return. All that you put in to life you will receive in return, it will not return in the same format, the energy will travel its path and return to you."Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times."-AnonEverything in life is a choice. You can choose your mood just as you can choose the colour and the outfit that you are wearing. Every choice requires effort, why should happiness be any different? Strive for happiness, at every action consider whether the action will bring you happiness and in return happiness will seek you out.